Nature v’s Nurture
Filed Under Childhood beliefs, Home Life | Posted on March 8, 2009
I just replied to a post from Coffeecup re Nature v’s Nurture and it got me thinking…
It’s such a huge area to tackle on one hand, and so simple on the other, so here is my story and point of view on the subject.
I was the black sheep in my family, I have 3 siblings who were always told they could do/be anything, but me - I was never good enough and wouldn’t amount to much - I proved them wrong on that score ;), though I still have self doubts about my abilities. The proof is in the pudding though I suppose and I have managed some great stuff (if I may say so myself).
I was also nagged (brainwashed) constantly about “What will people think?” eg, what to wear, how to act, how to sit, how to stand, how the house should be, how your children behave, don’t say what you think, don’t show your emotions etc etc etc etc etc - the list is endless!
I understand that this is the way the previous generation was, but by simply turning it around to “set your own standards”, rather than “having to meet others’ standards’” (who probably never cared anyway) , my life may have been totally different, such a small shift can give awesome outcomes. I am much better now than what I was, but I still have this overwhelming fear of peoples thoughts should I loose control in some way, it doesn’t have to be major loss either, just having to leave a trolley full of shopping, sitting down on the curb or leaning up against a shop wall to have a rest is something I can’t do, cause “what will people think”. I often see people sitting down on the side of a road for whatever their reason is, and I really wish that I could be like that, its not a bad thing, and people really don’t care, but in my mind…….. I know by thinking like this I am putting myself under so much more pressure than need be, but its a daily occurrence with one thought or another. If I was with someone else I would have no problem sitting down on the curb or whatever - how strange is that!!
I vowed that I would bring up my children with positive nurturing, and allow them to be who they were/wanted to be, help soothe their negatives, and really praise their positives. I believe that I did well with both my children and they have turned out well adjusted adults - don’t get me wrong they are not perfect, and I don’t want them to be either. I always thought before telling them off - will this help or hinder them? There were times when I hindered them terribly as any mother would understand 
but on the whole it was helping.
My daughter (Chloe - 24) thanked me a couple of years ago for being the best mum and supporting her so positively in everything she did - or did not do, and when seeing other friends relationships with their mothers she is very grateful she has me (she added that it would’ve been nice if I was rich as well, oops failed that one ) That was the best thing to hear and it melted my heart, but I was also proud of myself for having changed the pattern in the family lore, and to know they will not have to go through emotional baggage that I have.
My son (Rory), well he is a 19 old - need I say more I don’t expect to get any gratitude from him anytime soon, I know he is grateful by other things he says, but God forbid to actually voice any of those thoughts to mum. I know he is well rounded as all the girls love him - not because he is handsome or anything like that (which he is of course ;), but because he can sit down and talk with them on any subject for hours without any shame and he doesn’t care what his manly mates think.
Both of my kids will stand up and fight for their morals and values and happy to pass someone over if they do not have the same values. Me - I would have been too scared to voice my opinion. Secretly and ashamedly I sometimes feel a bit jealous of their abilities and wish I could have been as strong growing up, even now for that matter - I still worry too much about “What will people think?” but that was a term I never passed onto my children. My main term was “How would you feel if….?” to understand what it is like to stand in someone elses shoes for just a moment, empathy is a great trait.
I must say that I was a bit upset after my children were born and decided that I would not bring them up as a girl or boy, but both as children and let nurture make them into rounded human beings, when my son was only a couple of months old I can remember phoning mum, very disappointed that males are born males, and there is nothing you can do to change that!! but I still persevered My ex husband kept telling me that I was bringing up our son up to be a “girls blouse” (a sissy), that was a compliment to me!! I was doing right, males having feelings and emotions does not make them a “girls blouse”, just a much better person.
So I say nurture has worked much better in this generation, I hate to think who they would be if I had numbly carried on mum’s beliefs. They both still have their innate traits given by nature, good and bad, but they have been positively built on not suffocated.
Such A Great Feeling To Achieve Small Steps
Filed Under Anxiety, Agoraphobia, Shops etc, Work, Doctors | Posted on March 7, 2009
I am getting rather worried about my specialist visit on the 26th, I hope I can manage it all ok as I really want to get this stuff sorted. A good friend is coming up from down south to come in with me, and I am really looking forward to seeing her as I haven’t seen her in ages.
On a good note, work told me that I had to go for a manual handling training for 2 hours last week, I freaked when she told me, luckily I had explained my agoraphobia to them at the first interview, so I told her my fears. This training has to updated each year for competency and I new I had to go, my supervisor called the facilitator for me and explained my situation.
I thought up all sorts of excuses of why I could not attent, but in the end I knew I had to at least try, so off I went!! I spoke to the facilitator when I arrived and she was happy for me to leave when I needed to. I think that just knowing I would not make a fool of myself by leaving early took away a lot of the anxiety. The session was for 2 hours and I stayed for 1.5 I was pretty pleased with myself. It also helped that it was in a small building with windows everywhere, and doors open to a courtyard.
A friend called me earlier this week and told me that I had to go into a small supermarket that is located right on the street and buy just one thing and then report back. I was quite put out by the demand, but appreciated the push at the same time. So on Friday after my shift I went in planning to buy something that was located at the front of the shop, I felt pretty good considering, so I made my way down the first aisle, by the time I got to the check out I had 12 items, I really surprised myself!! I started getting anxious and kept doing my breathing on the way to the check out, and was really really glad to be out when I got to the car, but I did it.
I go through such waves of emotions about getting over this, I get so sick of climbing this bloody hill only to fall off the other side (eventually - sometimes years, sometimes months) that I think I am better of staying where I am, each time before I have pushed myself hard to getting better but this time I feel like I’m so sick of fighting for nothing. But then days in the last week happen and I get a shot of positiveness to go on and fight again.
2008 - The Short Version
Filed Under Agoraphobia, Avoidance, Home Life, Work, Doctors | Posted on February 25, 2009
Gosh its been hard to think of whats been happening in the past year, I can barely remember what I did yesterday
I finished up at the night shift job as they were cutting down on staff, and then I went back working in Aged Care in a Nursing Home. It was very hard there having to speak with staff every day and find something interesting to talk about - since I do nothing! But I loved the work. After 6 weeks I started being nauseous every day (not from anxiety) and had to leave. But of course these symptoms made my body think I was having regular panic attacks again, and I went down hill very quickly.
I went for tests and found out that I had gall stones, but my doctor thought it was something else causing the nausea and pain so he wanted me to have an endoscopy to check for gastric reflux. But I couldn’t make it in to have the test, after being housebound again for 4 months I finally got the courage up to go in. There was no major damage there, so now I have to go in for further tests on my gallstones - in a much bigger hospital - so not sure how that is going to work, the appointment is on March 26.
I have found another job in Aged Care working part time in the community assisting the elderly at home with personal care, I am managing this fine, as there is no building I’m stuck in all day, just driving to each persons home and assisting for up to an hour, then back in my car - My Refuge Have been there for 2 months now, and still going strong.
I still can’t get into shops, offices etc but found last week a home delivery service for food shopping which is great (actually probably not great, as it is just using my great avoidance skills even more) but haven’t been into other shops for the whole year besides a small church food shop, local butcher and greengrocer that are not in a shopping centre, and these only on a good day.
Being a hermit at the best of times probably doesn’t help matters either, as I do not have any great inner urgency to get out into the big wide world.
Overall I feel much better now that I am working again, at least it gets me out of the house for a few hours each weekday. The rest of the time I pretty much do next to nothing. Actually that is not totally true, I have been recording free audio books for a site called “Librivox” and that has been great. They only record books in the public domain, so have taken part in some great golden oldies
I don’t want to bore you too much with my non activity over these months, so I will leave it here for now.
Its great to back online
Ruby
I’m Back!!
Filed Under Home Life | Posted on February 25, 2009
Hi everyone
Firstly thank you to all the lovely comments left here while I was away.
I have been without internet for a year now, but I am back on line and looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I just spent an hour going through 700!! comments, most of which were spam, so I will come back shortly and give a quick update of the past year
Ruby
I’m Still Here
Filed Under Home Life, Work | Posted on January 28, 2008
I have had a terrible time sleeping lately, it has been so hot that all I have been doing is laying in bed while I am home and hoping to get enough sleep/rest to get me through the next shift at work.
It has been ranging between mid to high 30C degrees daily as well as a few above 40C degrees. If I am still at this job next year I think I may have to invest in an air conditioner. Actually its not so much the cost of the air conditioner as the monthly running costs, but its only for a couple of months I suppose, and sleep is very important.
I will write once I am getting enough sleep to be able to think again.
Ruby
2008
Filed Under Purpose & Goals, Home Life, Social Outings | Posted on January 6, 2008
Well its 2008 and I have plans of having a more positive year in various areas;
Number one is doing some social things to get me out of the house to meet some people, I haven’t decided what yet, but I will have a look around in the local paper to find what is going on. I feel like I can face people now that I have at least something to talk about - work - cause I haven’t done anything else worth talking about, and I am sure they don’t want to hear about my Agoraphobia and Panic Attacks
I also want to spend some time and money in redecorating my house, I have made a small start where I have painted a feature wall, I want to paint the kitchen as well, have a new fridge and freezer on layby, and the next on the list is a new bedroom suite for me.
I also want to get back into part time study, still deciding between adding to my computer certificates or to add to my Diploma in Welfare & Disabilites, or maybe something just for fun, I will see whats on offer when the new courses are listed at the end of January.
I beleive doing the above things will automatically help with my Agoraphobia, so recovering further goes without saying.
Ruby
The Holidays Are Over
Filed Under Home Life | Posted on January 6, 2008
I had a great Christmas, me Chloe and Rory went to my parents house 4 1/2 hours away and spent a few days there. Both my sisters and their families came as well, so it was a great catch up time for us all. I also got a chance to catch up with a couple of friends while there which was really nice. The drive there and back was a bit of a drama as my dog and her 4 three week old pups came as well, so we had to stop halfway to let them feed, which made the trip a bit longer than usual.
My sisters and I divided all the cooking this year, as its getting to hard for mum, so I did all the meat dishes, one sister all the baking and the other sister did all the odds and ends. It made it for an interesting meal commenting on everyones cooking and a few disasters, we are swapping the cooking lists next year so we all get a turn at trying all things so the traditional Christmas meal does not go astray
I didn’t have any attacks at all, but was very tired each night with all the socialising, and I must say I was glad to get back home on Boxing Day. A friends grown son came back with us and stayed for 4 days so that was spent doing the hostess thing.
I didn’t do anything for New Years but I normally don’t so that wasn’t a problem, I was enjoying the kids stories and photos of their nights out. Then Chloe had her birthday on the 4th Jan and it was great to have her here for that. She went back home today ready to start work again tomorrow.
I started back at work last Thursday, it was nice to have a 2 day week when first getting back, had gotten used to being slack after nearly 2 weeks off, then back to it again tomorrow night.
Well its 2008 and I have plans of making a more positive year in various areas, number one is doing some social things to get to meet some people, I haven’t decided what yet, but I will have a look around in the local paper to find what is going on. I feel like I can face people now that I have at least something to talk about - work - cause I haven’t done anything else worth talking about, and I am sure they don’t want to hear about my Agoraphobia and Panic Attacks
I also want to spend some time and money in redecorating my house, I have made a small start where I have painted a feature wall
Merry Christmas
Filed Under Home Life, Ruby | Posted on December 22, 2007
I am off down south for a few days with Chloe & Rory to spend Christmas with my family .
Hope you all have a great Christmas and a New Year that reveals your strengths for you to meet your goals and ambitions.
Merry Christmas
Ruby
Finally Got Back Into A Shop
Filed Under Targets Met, Anxiety, Agoraphobia, Shops etc, Coping Skills | Posted on December 15, 2007
My daughter was at home last week, and we had planned to go shopping for christmas together. I couldn’t get into one shop and Chloe even had to do my food shopping for me, so we didnt get our christmas shopping done. Chloe did what she could and was very understanding about the whole thing.
But, I am happy to say that I made it into 3 shops on Friday that I could park right in front of, and today I made it into 2 more shops, one of them a toy wharehouse - as if getting into the shop wasn’t hard enough I had to put up with hundreds of parents with laden arms and their kids running amok. I started to panic when I was in line waiting to pay, but managed to breathe my way through it. The one thing I kept on thinking about was Marie coping to get straight back into a shop after a major panic attack. Thanks Marie, for your distant support
I can’t believe that it has taken 3 weeks for me to start getting back on track after the allergy attack. I have been reading a book “Who Turned Off My Brain?” written by psychologist, and she explains exactly what happens in our brain with negative (and positive) thoughts and how the Panic Attack starts off, and how all of this affects the rest of body, its a very intersting read. Anyway, she has a theory that allergies can start after long term stress, panic attacks etc and why the body and mind reacts to stimuli the way it does when its something you were not allergic to prior to the onset of mental health illness.
So here is hoping I can get the rest of the christmas presents I still need to buy
Ruby
7 Weird and Random Facts About Me
Filed Under Ruby | Posted on December 15, 2007
I was asked this question by Coffecup “I’d like to nominate you to tell us all 7 ‘weird and random’ facts about yourself”…. hmmm I will give it a go.
1. I am a bit of a gypsy and have moved house more than 60 times.
2. I am an organisational nut, but am not very tidy
3. My favourite foods are Cheeses and Cold Meats
4. I enjoy decoupage
5. I have a warped sense of humour that some people just don’t get
6. I am the black sheep in my family, apparently I don’t “conform”……. to their ways of thinking
7. I am a reflexologist
Hope this qualifies